Opening the womb, opening the infinite womb, that great vastness, from where all source comes from and return to, while she realize who births her as she births this Life" - Peruquois
This phrase has been carving my new mother consciousness so deeply in the last months of my pregnancy, not even sure I can put in words in what depths touched my soul... but I wish to share with all of you the vulnerable story of this astonishing last 9 months of my life.
I have to be honest that probably the first half of my pregnancy I was not even realizing what was really going on, apart from the very uncomfortable physical symptoms, my emotional body, my life pace, my environment and my spirit where really not ready for this. When I found out of course I was happy but soon the great Fear overcame feelings of joy. Then I got it, I understood the great importance of conscious conception, literally experiencing this on my skin, not only by talking about it. I receive a whole download "illumination" about conception with intention, hopefully I can share it with some future parents to be. Don't get me wrong, sure the soul of a child comes in its perfect timing, yet I can only imagine how it will be if I was literally preparing for this big life event. I felt like my soul was rushing through the various stages, fast and furious, urging me to peel off a great deal of who "I was". It was a pretty violent face to face with reality. From one moment to another suddenly the inner operating system you know so good, doesn't respond to your commands and I was looking at myself in the mirror, witnessing this transfiguration of my old self, trying to hold onto some old dry roots. All the foundation was crumbling under my feet.
I experienced a great amount of loneliness. I can't complain really, as I have the blessing to be surrounded by a lot of incredible human beings and as well as having the presence of the father of my child.
The loneliness I am talking about seemed to be another necessary feeling to dive into and gather once more some huge amounts of strength of this mystical force that spins all life. Even if I tried to explain how I was feeling, what was coming out was a poor description of my inner emotional landscapes that didn't do any justice to my experience. Even talking with women who were mothers, I was still not able to feel supported...but then I understood why and will come back to this later.
I am not famous to be a very mental person, but oh dear, I went bonkers through the maya labyrinths of the mind.
I started to doubt my ability to take care of a child, to have to become more "responsable", to maybe have to change my nomadic and wild spirited life style, to maybe not being able to continue my work and loose myself in "just" being mother, to find myself abandoned by the father of my child, to never be able to fall in love with a man again, that I will become incredibly fat and saggy. The range of thoughts went from the most superficial insecure woman levels to the depth of feeling all women who lived on this earth experiencing a collective crash down. I got so afraid to become like my mother who sacrificed everything for her kids, while going through serious nervous breakdowns...breakdowns that greatly impacted our childhood. I felt so much compassion for her. She was only 18 by the time when I was born and my grandmother was only 14 when she gave birth to my mother. I can't really imagine how was for them at that point and when I was tuning in, it was scary and sad. I was drawn in very depressive moods.
The compassion for my maternal lineage grew beyond measurement and suddenly I was holding my mother and grandmother in my own womb, reassuring them and feeling exactly the fears and doubts they had to go through, forgiving them in the most visceral primordial levels of our connection.
I am venturing now in my '40, got a bit of accumulated experience, some down to earth maturity, done some humble inner work, I get usually defined and stigmatized as a "strong woman", yet I was experiencing some of the most darkest hours of the soul. Lingering in states of limbo of the palpable unknown field of the Future. Forget about meditation and breathing. It wasn't doing it for me. I had to allow to be swallowed by these big waves.
Through the first months of pregnancy a lot of people that I haven't seen for many years started to pop out in my reality and probably the most important event was that I finally manged to meet my biological father for the first time. It looked like the whole Universe was conspiring in synchronisations, getting some of my relationships sorted out before passing imprints down to the little one inside me. Is not a news that mothers become very sensitive to the environment especially in the first trimester. At that time I was travelling between England and Switzerland and my only obsession was how to get out of civilization and reach the shores of some pristine nature vibes. She, the Great Mother was calling me home, She knew I needed to be held, like all her daughters who were becoming mothers in their turn, but not all could maybe hear her through the thick concrete pavements while keep working for 8 hours in some office, numbing out the voice of each precious inner truth and feeling.
On the first occasion, when I felt fit enough to endure a whole day standing I flew back to La Palma and wow, what a difference. My whole system took a long deep surrendering breath. I dropped all my automatic defensive modes and started to feel my womb, my roots, my female creatrix essence. There was nothing I had to "fight" from to protect my hyper sensitive senses and I could simply focus on absorbing all the fresh ocean air, walking barefoot, cuddle in silence and observe Her beauty. The inner masculine was giving now more space, knowing it was time to retire for a bit.
Finally entering my 5th month I start to feel connected to what was really going on. I passed slepleess nights while my whole body was shaking with strong kundalini waves running throughout my system. Honestly quite orgasmic feelings, that I cannot even describe like sexual. It was like cosmic ecstatic pulsations from under my feet up to the crown, like earth and sky making love kinda thing and me being in the middle of it.
Feeling how with each passing second the "making" of this human inside of me was happening. I could feel how my own physical resources where directed towards my baby. It was all about him. The only things I could be bothered with were the most basic earthy needs you can imagine. Food on top of all. I couldn't stand any spiritual talks, or in general I couldn't focus for more than 15min to listen to someone's story. All I wanted was some soft pillows under my aching sacrum, food always at reach, silence and the company of my cat. I didn't have energy for anything else than just be. And Oh Goddess, I am grateful beyond words that I could allow myself that, witnessing the amazing powers of my body creating life. Still now, I am struggling to capture the majesty of this event.
I will mention also some of my "society" experiences. For my big surprise in few occasions I felt discriminated because pregnant. Some people wouldn't let me rent their property probably thinking how will I pay rent if I don't work and sometimes I was catching up some pretty heavy vibes and looks over my body. Often I thought how necessary was to educate and inform what was really going on. I mean, hey I am here giving birth to the next generation, hello, there is a little human inside of me. Again I experienced first hand the lack of honouring the mother, which basically is also reflected in our human relationships and connection with Mother Gaia. I just felt special, like a superhero actually but in the eyes of society nothing really amazing was going on. I don't want go too much in detail about the government laws over maternity as is pretty depressive, just saying we still have a long way to go. I pray over and over again for humanity to reconnect, see and acknowledge the Mother. At some point was interesting to observe how also the Queen archetype started to show up. I had the need to be pampered. I felt like when entering in a space, that all attention should go towards me. I was expecting people to make me feel comfortable and wrapped in love and care. Another big mile stone of my transformation, as used to be a highly independent woman who almost never asks for help, I had no other choice than soften that edges again and let my masculine retreat even more while learning the art of receiving.
Until the 8th month I was thousands of times visualizing my perfect birthing scenario. I got very stressed by anything that wasn't fitting my ideas. Longing to give birth to my baby without any traumatic experiences and in the most "romantic" settings. I started again to receive downloads from once upon a time. I dreamt of the ancient birthing temples. I knew, my ancestral memory just knew that we are not supposed to experience pain or better said, suffering while birthing. In some of my previous womb works I journeyed through the very thin veil of life and death and both dimensions where actually very similar..and try to guess, pretty ecstatic. I saw images in my heart of templar midwives, massaging me with precious oils, opening my body during the whole pregnancy with relaxation, breath and orgasms, bathing me, feeding me, singing to me, telling me stories of star children and whale wisdom keepers. Infusing me with deep trust of my perfectly designed body, while praising God and the Goddess for the miracle growing inside my womb. Oh how much I long to establish again this birthing temples on Earth. My heart is beating fast by closing my eyes and seeing this vision becoming reality one day here on these planes for the future mothers.
I also read a huge amount of information. Some sisters were advising me not to get too informed but honestly I gathered so much knowledge (thank you google) I am glad I educated myself and hopefully this can be of great service in the future for some mamas to be. From medical terminology down to marijuana leaf oxytocin.
What I most didn't like were the comments of people about my belly. Everyone out there who sees a pregnant woman, please keep your opinions for yourself. I will also recommend to avoid talking too much about your own experience. I found myself so open and vulnerable, that every word was cutting through my aura, starting an exhausting mental process and triggering insecurities and fears. Mamas want to be complimented, encouraged, admired and reassured.
I came across very nice books but somehow I missed the more transcendental spiritual and mysterious approach of pregnancy. I was thirsty to read more about the miracle of the Birthing Womb. But I realized with time, that this knowledge comes to each woman as she is birthing herself as a Mother. I realized that when I was sharing with my sisters and couldn't find the support I was looking for, there was this invisible, unspoken, non verbal agreement between all of us, knowing things will be revealed in their own times. I realized that the feminine principle is not understanding the transcendental but simply embodying it and I treasure it as my own personal experience.
What I also missed a lot is the role of the old wise tribal woman who could hold me in this journey. I am not sure, if this role was supposed to be represented by our own mothers. Definitely not by my mother, as I decided to cut the communication with her after the 5th month of pregnancy, tired of listening to all her negative projections as a sign of how much she cared about me and leaving me energetically drained after each phone call.
The woman I am talking about, I haven't met her, I haven't seen her. She is a grandmother holding great herbal medicine wisdom, her hands are wrinkled and her skin color is from the earth. She talks little, but she cradle me in her embrace, while stroking my hair, singing a song of no language that brings me back into the Great Womb. She guides me straight to the Goddess and whispers secret sounds into my ears. Codes of creation from the first Woman who Was, who is Me. Her hands are so warm, she blesses my belly and the child inside. She spins magical threads, she weaves a blanket to protect the coming of this new crystal soul and hangs out offerings for the spirits, while the moon in the sky is telling her when this child will be born. Yes, I miss her so much, yet I feel her so close.
As I entered the last month of pregnancy yet another big shift occurred. Few days ago I found out that the body starts to produce a hormone called "relaxin" so that your joints and pelvis can start to relax for the birth. Well, I just love this hormone. I started to just let go of the last drops of resistances and controlling the situation storyline. I became very clumsy, loosing keys, dropping things, forgetting to get back to people, allowing everyone around to help me as much as they could. Basically my whole system right now is about letting go! The only perfect scenario of birthing my son, is just holding him tight against my breast. Nothing else matters, no ideology, no forms or concepts, no expectations of how all will be. Since few weeks I feel so calm, confident and surrendered. So at peace with all that Is. I haven't found a midwife that I resonate with, so for now I am giving birth at home unassisted with the papa' by my side. I cannot plan any "birthing plans". The unfolding of the ceremony of my life will be breath by breath. In one of these books I was reading, giving birth is like making love. If conception is such an intimate, loving, sensual and of course orgasmic moment, so let birth be it too...Insh'Allah.
I give thanks to the great Architecture for this perfect plan and how these 9 months were just the spot on timing for all my transformation to happen, for all my realizations that made me grow and for my own birth as a new elevated woman and mother to be.
I give thanks to all my beloved sisters who are so present in my life, a true blessing to have you by my side.
I give thanks to all the mothers, and a big bow and warm hearted hug to all the single mothers out there. Full respect, I honour you and see you and admire you for what you did and you are doing.
I feel You Woman, Mother, Sister. I feel your presence behind me, holding me, guarding my shoulders, rooting me, expanding me, opening me to become God's gate of Love. An infinite lineage that bonds me with each woman who was pregnant and gave birth....
...while remembering who's giving birth to us, while we give birth to this Life
and last but not least, I give thanks to the Masculine creative force, to the Father of this child, for the gift He present me to experience motherhood in this lifetime.