While finally feeling some fresh energies anchoring and closing down this pretty intense planetary last month, here I go with the latest of my personal journey.
A day before the New Moon Eclipse, a new truth has been revealed about my birth story.
I knew for some time now that I was supposed to be given in adoption. Decision taken by my grandmother who was the matriarch of the family and was totally controlling my mother.
What I just found out is that once I was born, I was taken away from my mother for the first 7 days and had no physical contact with her. I was breastfed by random women who just gave birth in the hospital and by the way gave me some of their milk.
My mother didn't look for me and waited for my grandmother that eventually came to the hospital only on the 7th day and after seeing me, decided to change her decision and bring me home with them.
This news hit me painfully. My eyes got full of tears while my mom was telling me this. I imagined little me crying hungry for mother's love and milk, while being juggled around in stranger's arms in a communistic cold hospital unaware of my destiny.
After some days the news shed new light regarding my journey with food, the sensation of emptiness and never-ending process of finding a balanced diet where my mind and body are in harmony.
Not to mention the disconnection with my mother and the lack of feeling her love throughout my whole life.
Through the precious act of grieving I allowed the pain to be recognised for what has been lost or was never there in first place.
I understood that actually food was replacing my mother. Yes, food WAS my mother. Especially carbohydrates were one of my favourites, leaving me with that physical sensation of fullness and satisfaction.
Looking for comfort and love in cakes, pasta and pizza.
I believe that the amount of food that we actually eat is more than our real nutritional needs.
Is a compulsive often non conscious act to put something in our belly, in order to repress the emotion that is rising up to the heart, willing to tell us or show us our subconscious patterns.
Probably most of you will know that the digestive tract is connected with emotional well being and related to the second chakra. Over 90% of physical dis-eases are rooted in some order of digestive disfunction and too much acidity in our system. Quiet easy to make final deductions that our emotional inability to recognise, express and transform what we feel can lead to a great range of discomforts, addictions, health issues and toxicity.
I observed that often I will eat unhealthy in order to numb myself especially if I am in more city like environments.
Once I stepped back in nature, my habits were becoming healthier again.
I did quiet few fasts and the longest was 21 days on water.
It is incredible to witness the rawness and vulnerability of the Self. The detox is happening not only on a physical level of course.
You become more sensitive and aware about your own thoughts and emotions. You actually start to feel great amount of clarity and transparency. Then I started to see how I was avoiding the pain by looking for pleasure in food and how at the end of the day a true food addiction could be developed.
I highly recommend you to try at least 3 days of water fast to understand how much food is controlling our deepest emotions, giving us a fake feeling of safety. You can write me a private message if you need guidance and support on this one.
I spent over 2 months this Summer with my family and I couldn’t believe how much they crossed my boundaries so that I had to fiercely fight for my right to exist.
I was surprised by myself of how much I was agreeing to their terms in order to avoid any kind of discussion, often not being able to say “No”. I was surprised to see myself playing the “good girl” in order to be loved and accepted, something I never noticed before, as I’ve been actually depicted as the rebel and the black sheep of the family. I was surprised to see how much personal work I have been doing and yet I still struggle to find a common language of love with my mother in order to express our truths.
I also decided to give up trying to heal this relationship. As I continue to unravel my own wounds, I accepted that I am not responsible for her happiness and well being and that she is just another soul walking her way like everyone else in her own timings.
I do love her in a rather detached way, absolutely grateful for what she has been doing for all her children and giving thanks for the reflections and projections that allowed me to continue on the healing path of self realisation and self authority. Understanding that she was just another woman living in patriarchal repression and that each generation behind me from my maternal lineage did what was in their best to evolve.
My sensitivity on this topic is definitely heightened by the fact that I am currently devotionally and lovingly breastfeeding my baby. Now being a mother to my little one, I finally understand the meaning and power of mother’s love and as I nurse my son, I nurse my inner child as well. I surround us in that nurturing safe loving bubble that I didn’t experience in my first week of life on this Earth. Finally I am my own Mother now and release my blood mother from the expectations and love I never received.
My baby just turned 7 months and everyone around is rushing me into weaning him with cooked food.
Usually starting with mashed potatoes and carrots or cooked apple seems to be the order of the day.
He still doesn’t have teeth and although he is showing interest in food, once he tries it, he is not very much impressed by it.
Instead he loves liquids such as coconut water and freshly cold pressed juices such as carrot and melon, apple and cucumber or pure watermelon.
Then I did a mango smoothie with basil leaves or just mashed avocado and he loved it as well.
When I tried first to give him cooked food after few minutes he was crying from belly pain and with the second attempt days later he vomited quiet traumatised. Times are changing on all levels. Everyone agrees that today’s newborns are much more awake and forward than the babies born 50 years ago. I apply methods as co-sleeping, breastfeeding him on demand, carrying my baby as much as possible, not leaving him to cry, not forcing anything on him, being present, explaining him things and generally seeing my child as pure light being that comes with great amount of self wisdom that actually brings plenty of healing regarding my inner child.
Why then do I need to wean my baby with this old ideology of nutrition.
I still do believe that my milk is the most healthy and nutrition dense food he can get. Someone told me that after 6 months of breastfeeding, mother’s milk starts to lack calcium. Even if that is true, would I find that calcium in cooked foods ? No way.
Nothing is more rich in nutrition than cold pressed juices and nothing is more highly digestible than fruits!
When you come out of a fast the first food that is recommended to eat are juicy fruits.
Why than a baby that has been since birth having only my milk, has to start eating cooked pureed food?
My baby is visibly showing me with his body language his preferences.
Today he was even sucking on one big basil leaf and was clearly enjoying it as continued to put it back in his mouth.
As I work through my own relationship with food, the mother wound and first chakra security issues, I am intending to educate my son about highly nutritional food and how to love himself enough to choose healthy ways of eating. A vision that goes a bit further than “cow’s milk has plenty of calcium” or “meat is the richest protein food”.
Hopefully I can share with him how to express his emotions, especially being a man and rejoice a more balanced connection with all this matter dimension.
Sometimes I think that words can poorly describe the hidden aspects of the multitude of realities we are all living.
I hope I was able to transmit my eagerness to break some personal and collective patterns…as a mother, daughter and awakened woman willing to heal my maternal lineage.