Finally almost 4 months from giving birth, I start to feel back to myself and ready to share my personal birth story, as the most precious experience I ever had.
In my previous blog post "Birthing the Mother", I was explaining how difficult it was to find a midwife and a doula that I would resonate enough to have them present during birth and all signs were just pointing that I had to go through it by myself.
Few days before labour started, I began feeling the so called "Braxton Hicks" contractions. From now on I will replace the word "contractions" with waves, as this word totally confused me of how they were supposed to feel.
Under "medical" understanding these waves are supposed to be "fake" or not the real thing. Duuuh wrong ! These early waves are actually a sign that your body is getting soon ready to give birth and for me personally they started around 4-5 days before giving birth with each day getting stronger and stronger.
They were always coming during night time and never during the day, showing me a sign that I would eventually enter labour during night time. Waves were feeling like mild menstrual cramps.
On 20th of January around 8pm, while having a shower I lost the mucus plug and a sweet sensation of joy was running through my body. I knew it could take days before my baby was ready to descend. So I went to bed and I invoke that the spirit of the most wisest tribal midwife guides me through this journey of birthing. I thought, if we invoke the 4 directions, and the spirits of plants, animals and crystals, then why not to call upon her.
I pray with all of my heart to the 7 directions to hold pristine space, to the angels to bring their light and to the Great Mother to hold me firm. I talked to my sweet child, reassuring him like I have been doing in the last 4 months, trusting completely in his wisdom.
I tried to sleep but the voice of my intuition told me I it was not going to happen. Around midnight my waters start to flow and I went to inform Nick, the father of my baby, that maybe we should prepare the space in the living room. We lit candles, put blankets on the floor and got all the natural remedies ready. I continued feeling waves and when I tried to count how much they lasted it was a lost case as they were totally random. From every 15 minutes then 8 minutes then 5 minutes. It didn't make any sense from what I read, so I gave up counting and relaxed further into my body. I told Nick that if he wish he can go back to bed, as I was having it all pretty mellow. I kept walking back and forth as standing was the most comfortable position and during the waves I was moving my pelvis in clock wise spirals.
I was so at ease between the walls of my home where for many many days and nights I was envisioning the birth happening there. Silence and peace were reining in the night.
By sunrise I went in the shower and started singing to my baby in mystical language. I felt
him moving and descending. I had no idea how much I was dilated. At that time I woke up Nick telling him I had the urge to push. He told me "isn't it that too early ? maybe you should keep your energy for later"
and I replied. "early in compare to what ?"
Initially I was always thinking that women were not supposed to push during labour and just allow baby to move down by itself but oh goodness, my body urges were out of my control. Never before I experienced the dettached consciousness of my body like this. I was a mere observer following the instructions of my physical manifestation.
After some time under the shower, the intensity of the waves became stronger and maybe in that second I felt a bit overwhelmed, asking Nick to call the midwife.
He said "Are you sure, you doing pretty well". I did insist that he calls her.
She replied that she couldn't come until 1pm and I replied that by that time my baby will be long born. Then we called another friend who birthed her 3 children alone in a cave, and she was also unavailable and finally I called one my best sister friend Claudia, who happen to rent a holiday flat only few minutes walk away.
She arrived after 10 minutes while I was sitting on the toilet, and growling like a mama bear. We had a pool ready in the living room, but I didn't feel entering in the water. I needed firm ground under my feet. Nick was holding my hand, while my friend was sitting silently on the floor. The natural gravity position was feeling great.
Maybe after an hour I told them to help me change position and move from the bathroom to the living room. Again the wisdom of my body told me exactly what to do next. I kneeled on the floor with my elbows on the sofa. I reached down with my hand and I could feel Sunny's little head . I told them he is coming soon and that I could feel his head, but I think both Nick and Claudia didn't believe me. Although the pushes were quiet intense, I was totally present and talking with them between the waves. Nick helped a lot with reminding me to breath deep between waves.
I remember that during the last waves I was laughing out loud like my son was tickling me from inside. It was not orgasmic but it had an ecstatic flavour to it. Rippling waves were starting from my womb up to my spine, then was time for the growling sounds coming from a very deep earth space and finishing off exhausted like I just escalated a huge mountain.
After maybe 15 minutes I felt to change position and lied on my left side, to just rest a little bit. Now Nick could finally see his son's head and exclaimed "oh I can see his head".
I remember sshhhing him impatiently at that time, like "it is a while that I am telling you that"
It was quiet obvious that in the lying down position would take me much longer to birth as his head was advancing with the wave and then retracting so I decided to kneel up again and with the next push, Sunny's head popped out.
I did a very high pitch sound in that moment and the feeling could be perceived as painful but the excitement of that ultimate opening of my yoni and holding with my palm my child's head was way overtaking any other sensation. I was feeling floating in space.
I asked Nick and Claudia to now hold his head, because I knew he will be out with the next wave.
And so it was, I remember telling myself out loud "I can do it, I can do it, I can do it" and he slipped out of me in his papa's hands. While I am writing now these words, I close my eyes and live this moment again and again.
He handed Sunny into my arms. Crossing my son's eyes for the first time will stay like probably the most beautiful moment in my life. Seemed to me like he was also waiting for that moment. He latched on my nipple within seconds and we sat on the sofa. Cannot emphasise enough how comfortable is to just be in your home in this moments following birth.
While riding these amazing emotions, I was telling Claudia to pass me some drops of a Shepherd's purse tincture preventing excessive bleeding.
Around 5 minutes later I felt again milder waves. I gave Sunny back to his papa and reached down to grab the placenta and placed it in a bowl, ready to be washed later on and cured with special mixtures of herbs and salt.
We did a full lotus birth until the 4th day when Sunny decided to kick off his umbilical cord making quiet a statement of him being ready to let go of his safe port during that last 9 months.
I asked Nick to cut few chunks of the placenta and give them to me with some honey. Lately we found out that I ate coagulated blood and not the actual placenta. It was all overwhelmingly too much at that moment and all around was looking bloody and messy. Most important I was holding my precious perfect baby boy in my arms, wondering "did I just carry this little human being inside of me for 9 months and birthed him at home unassisted like the most harmonious and perfect scenario I could ever imagine".
I don't know how many times I gave thanks to All that Is, for gracing me with such an easy and beautiful home birth. I gave birth to Sunny 9 hours after my waters broke and I can say that only the last 2 hours could be described as intense. I didn't have any reference to how long waves were lasting, how much centimetres I was dilated nor any monitoring of my baby's heart beat. I just knew that if something was going wrong I would feel it and take the right decision in that moment.
I cannot tell that birthing was painful. I don't recollect this kind of memory and the body sensations I was feeling cannot be defined as painful but rather as something between intense euphoric unknown sensation of opening up to creation. Yeah I know its sounds spaced out, but I have no words to describe it. Gotta live it.
It went all so incredibly fast and smooth I could barely believe it myself.
Now my son was in my arms after those long 9 months.
The days after birth were actually pretty hard for me. I would rather say that the postpartum time was the most challenging time comparing to pregnancy and birth.
Don't undervalue the incredible amount of adjustment your physical and emotional body undergoes.
Have at least 2 people helping out with all errands and some sisters around to assure you that all what you feel is normal.
I had a slow recovery, as I continued standing up often instead of lying in bed for some days.
Getting used to breastfeed was also quiet a dramatic journey. I allowed Sunny to suckle for literally up to an hour on each breast, thinking he was very hungry and that I will starve my baby bringing thereforconsequences of very sore and cracked nipples.
I remember my whole body so sore, my mind totally absent and my emotions shifting from moment to moment.
Everyone was saying that I will need around a month to adapt to this new life style but for me was looking like endless process.
Looking now back, all seems so far away.
I will share few tips that I feel had a great impact for preparing myself for this unassisted birth. You can also read my previous blog article "Birthing the Mother" to find out why I finally gave birth at home alone.
3 weeks before my due date I started to take a herbal tincture called Gentle Birth from the company Mountain Meadow. When I was looking into herbal birthing support, this product popped out and I am 100% sure that it helped immensely with the birthing process as the formula was initially used by Native American midwives and from the first days I could feel how the devas of the plants were working on my body. I gave birth 2 days before due date.
During labour I also took 3 times diluted Arnica homeopathy in water to help prevent any tears or bruises. Sunny was born 3.700 kg and I didn't have a single scratch. I had different homeopathy ready and recommend to future mamas to consider using these remedies in case of stale labour or any other slowing down situations, of course with consulting a homeopathic practitioner beforehand.
From the 5 month onwards I was constantly talking to my baby. Saying that I trusted in his wisdom and ability to enter this dimension with ease. I visualised over and over again images of harmonious birth, seeing myself on the sofa, or in the shower, or holding my newborn baby in bed. The last weeks of pregnancy he was kicking so strong, somehow telling me that it was getting all squeezed in there and he was more than ready to come out and meet me.
Another important part is that I did give pleasure to myself on a regular basis and with each orgasm, I was directing the energy towards my child, so that he could share the pleasure with me and again visualising this body sensation as it will be during birthing him.
I also believe that after doing so much energy work for my most "perfect" birth, one necessary step was to completely let go of expectation. In the last month of pregnancy, I gave all to the Creator and accepted the possibility of eventual complications or going to the hospital as well. Suddenly I decided to detach from any outcome and welcome and surrender to the greater plan.
Last but not least, I prayed with all of my heart every evening before going to bed and had an altar prepared for Sunny's arrival, lighting a candle to guide him safely through the birth canal.
I cannot miss to mention the great support I received from Sunny's father. Never for a moment I felt he was doubting me or questioning my choices. On contrary he had full trust in me and was that necessary masculine pilar presence throughout the whole process of welcoming our baby.
Also I do have the luck to be surrounded by quiet few women in my community who gave brith unassisted at home, some even in caves without any running water or commodities. Witnessing their process and these incredibly awakened children gave me a huge amount of strength.
Same goes for the few books I read: "Orgasmic Birth", "Unassisted Childbirth", "The power of pleasurable childbirth" and the herbal remedies book not to miss out "Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing year"
If you are pregnant I highly recommend you to read these books. Statistics show that home births are much safer than births in the hospital. I was shocked when I found out some information regarding numbers of complications in hospitals and the interventions behind.
I am not going into detail here, rather read it by yourself.
I do believe with all my heart that giving birth is not supposed to be painful. Fear is definitely strongly interrelated with pain during birth.
Imagine the birthing process as sweet and pleasurable as much as making love and conceiving a child.
With all the centuries of female repression, birthing in a non natural state is probably a number one disempowerment for women. Is like taking away your god given right to trust in the wisdom of your body and ability to know exactly step by step what is actually going on, without trying to understand or define this transcendental experience.
1 on each 3 women around the world still suffer from abuse, violation, repression and this has a huge impact of how our female collective consciousness is shaped of giving birth painfully to generations who disrespect the mother nurturer archetype.
We women have the gift of intiution and is time to recall upon it. We know beyond time and space. Let's not numb ourselves in a comfortable place that someone else knows better than us.
I do also believe that once you found out that you are expecting a child, start researching the birthing field of how was birthing in your lineage and if possible heal and dissolve the karmic knots.
While the feminine is rising brave and empowered with each second, we are here to rewrite our history and be that gate for a new human consciousness to blossom on this Earth, starting with that first sparkle of conception leading to a sublime birthing time.
Giving birth is an extraordinary event of a woman's life and initiates her further into her female essence.
I hope that sharing my personal story, will inspire more women to believe in themselves and their capacity to give birth in a natural way by following the innate intelligence of our bodies.